To Thine Self Be True

This year I haven’t blogged as much as I resolved to. There was good reason for that.

 

In the middle of January, after almost 4 years of dating, Derek and I decided to break up. I want to get married and have children. Derek does not want that with me. We agreed it wouldn’t be fair to remain together when we had goals that were so different. It was not an easy choice. We’ve broken up but remain friends. At the moment we’re still untangling bits of our lives.

 

Deciding this was like playing black jack with my life. Do I stay or do I hit (leave) and gamble again? At 30 the stakes are a little higher. Most of my friends are having their second or third child already. My dad told me when I was younger that it's not a race. But part of it is... Yes, I’ve been married once. It wasn’t really a marriage and I deserve better.

 

I thought when I was younger that when I turned 30 I would have most of the answers. As I get older I notice how interconnected the world is, but I feel like I have more questions than I do answers.

 

There is no shortage of love advice in the world. Everyone has their nose in your business. Check the internet, libraries, articles and columns in magazines. People obsess about relationships so much there is an entire genre of entertainment dedicated to romance. Yeah even Shakespeare, that stud; he even had tons of advice on love, too. But the quote for the title of this post seemed more appropriate. In the end it wasn’t about romantic love to another but more about self-love and self preservation.

 

When I was little I told my mom I wanted 12 kids. Then I babysat and I decided 4. Then I watched 4 kids and decided to get plants. Then I found out I don’t have a green thumb and thought maybe I’d invest in inanimate objects like stuffed animals, books, or trinkets. At least, I joked about that a lot.

 

I started saying it around the time that I was told that I had endometriosis and that it might be difficult for me to conceive. I worried about this because I knew I wanted to be a mom some day. For much of my younger years, until I had Reece, a lot of the things I did were to save my fertility – surgery, drugs, etc. My family always talked like I would be able to have kids in the future. Of course it wouldn’t be a problem.

 

When the Army told me I wouldn’t be able to have kids I mourned inwardly. I felt I was too young to try to have kids, but the idea that it was closed off forever to me was difficult to take. I was angry, sad, and had feelings that I couldn’t explain. I had already grown up pretty fast. Despite that maturity these feelings were things that I didn’t have the capacity to express to anyone.

 

Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of being married. Unlike stories I’ve heard of other women – I never dreamed of the actual wedding, what it would look like, the proposal, or even the engagement ring. Although I did dream of dancing and a party afterwards – those are things that were pretty major in my huge family growing up. Even my wheelchair-bound grandma tore up the dance floor at the after party! (She had Lou Gehrig ’s disease, hence the wheelchair. Her spirit was very strong and bright; disease never kept her down.) Basically I’ve just dreamed of being with someone who loved me and lifted me up just as much as I would them. And of course, I have had dreams of being a mother. I really don’t want to be the woman who waited around and figured everything out too late. I don’t want to mourn the loss of children I never will have, again.

 

Reece and I had conversations about my choices. I’m sure more of this will come up in later years. For now I tell him what I think he can handle. He knows that I want more kids but reminds me that I have one already. I told him because he’s so amazing he makes me want to have more. I love being a mom. He knows that... He also knows he wants two gerbils for our new house. I am not so keen on the idea.

 

Speaking of which - Monday, I purchased a house. I love it! I know what I want. I don’t think we’re given ideas, wishes, or hopes all willy-nilly. (Super Troopers totally ruined that phrase, didn't they?) There are passing desires, but anything that you want deep within your soul is exactly what you should go after. To know the difference, you need to know who you are and be honest with yourself. This is no easy task. I know that eventually I always came back around to me. In the past I didn’t always believe that I deserved good things. I know better now. Ever the optimist I believe luck is in my favor. I am the adult I want my son to emulate. I know what I’m looking for. As always I am going to do what’s right for me. The answers I do have are who I am, and I know I can be true to myself.

I wish the same for you.