29 April 2011

Fatty, fat, fat...

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.
~ Miss Piggy

Today someone told me I was fat.

Ok, not in so few words. Actually it was that I am “at the weight where people start to think about losing weight.” and something along the lines of “keep going” because I’ve got a long way to go still. We weren’t even fighting. It was polite conversation… well, until they said that.

You know… It’s just not nice punch someone in public no matter how much they deserve it.

I don’t know why people think that if you’ve got extra padding on your meat suit that it makes verbal bashing bounce off you more easily. We’re all human – and we all hurt the same. I’ve been tiny and huge. I’ve got friends that fit both ends of the spectrum and everywhere between. It’s unacceptable to talk to people like that. I assume these people saying these things are emotionally hurting very deeply or stupid. Not ignorant - like they don’t know to say these things. Nope. They’re stupid.

One of the things I am teaching Reece is that everyone has opinions. They’re not right or wrong. They are just opinions. The problem begins when you don’t believe in yourself long enough to realize others’ opinions are not facts.

The weekend that I decided it was time to start losing weight, my 5-year-old son told his dad on the phone that I was disgusting when I sat down. Reece said I grossed him out. This was something his father was teaching him to say, not something he thought on his own. Even now Reece doesn’t think there are “fat people” in his class. (Fact: Not true. I applaud him for looking past it or being unaware.) I was used to his father telling me I was fat. He hinted at it when we were dating. Then when we got married he constantly said it. It’s completely different when you hear your child say it. My self-image was never that great to begin with, which is why someone like that would be allowed to get that close to me.

This girl 

and this girl

have the same problem: Neither like themselves. But you wouldn’t know from talking to either of them. Yeah, that’s me in both pictures.

Being overweight is not a reflection on your character. It’s a physical manifestation of the food you’re eating and what your body is doing with it. Not stopping to reflect before you open your mouth, saying stupid stuff to others that will hurt their feelings – those are reflections on your character.

I can’t wait until the LC lifestyle becomes mainstream because that will help debunk the myth that people who are heavy are lazy. I am finishing my B.A. – full time college student here. I’m a single mom. I work full time and my commute is like another part time job. That should be enough right there… but it’s not for me! I also have hobbies. I’m passionate about life! I love my son and I want to be involved. I do way more than some “skinny” people I know. The lazy myth just cracks me up and makes me shake my head. 

Maybe it’s that I’m 30 now. I heard that when you turned 30 you would like yourself and feel more comfortable in your skin than you do any younger age. My entire 20s I looked forward to my 30s. I don’t necessarily think it’s the years (turning 30), but the amount of time you spend getting over hurdles that are of varying difficulty. Basically, proving yourself  to yourself. I’ve always known I have incredible inner fortitude. I’ve been through some crap and I respect myself a lot more for it. I used to look at those high school pictures and wish I looked the same.

I’ve got news for you. I don’t want to be that girl ever again.

In high school I used to get so angry looking in the mirror because I thought I was ugly. I cried when I would be forced to go off my low-fat diet (and lash out at others for full fat dressing – really). I hid my body in baggy clothes because I was embarrassed of my figure. I pretended I didn't care what others thought, but people and their opinions still got to me. I attempted to contort myself into someone I thought others would like outwardly, while still trying to maintain some resemblance of myself inwardly. It’s a tightrope act. No one makes it out of that alive. When I was younger every accomplishment made me feel empty because I was chasing someone else’s approval. It never came. I ended up in some horrible relationships and situations because of it.

It is true you have to love yourself first. The difference is night and day. I like who I am now. Even now I am working on loving myself more. I am proud of myself and the things I’ve done. I dress better now and show off my curves because I’m hot. I see a pretty face when I look in the mirror. It’s nice to be found attractive, but its amazing to feel good about yourself without others telling you that. I think I’m nicer now to others because I really don’t care what others think. I treat others like I would treat myself - with love. I respect myself, and now others do too. Today it’s easier to walk away from other people’s opinions. Because that’s just what I did when that person said that. I walked away.

I don’t put up with that anymore.

No comments:

Post a Comment